Fuck.

"Bang Bang Shoot Shoot"

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 07:45:23 GMT

Journal Entry XXII
"Ignorance is Bliss"

I liked someone for the first time in a long time. It can't and won't work. I haven't forgotten how rejection stings, but I did seem to forget why I stopped the relationship idea in the first place. I'm not meant for them. I'm ruined; damaged. Now I'm faced with the notion of having to deal with accepting that all over again.

This has been used strictly for therapeutic reasons. Over the last 2 years, my involvement in blogs has decreased from a daily ritual of the asinine into a splurge of ramblings to help me deal with my cynicism and try to rationalize the things in life that just don't make sense.

I try to comprehend my shortcomings, my agression, my reluctance...the full spectrum of emotions and actions - all by disection the things in my life. Not uncommon I suppose, but still, I do it differently than most.

Depression, teenagers - they go hand in hand, blah, blah, blah.

To the point:

I do not wish to be someone who I am not, but I do not want to be who I am. I feel like I'm trapped in my skin. I've built a prison for myself. A wall of self conscience guilt holding a prisoner of reluctant ideals.

I suppose what I'm saying is this: Thereapeutic or not, this journal is not, nor has it ever provided me with any help or comfort.

This shall be my last entry.

I am sick of being too self-aware. I don't want to know why I'm miserable, I want to just move along like anyone else.

I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm ashamed of who I am. These are my three biggest issues right now. Fixing one fixes all.

The worst part is, I wouldn't have me any other way. My moral fiber refuses to let me change who I am so people, even if it is myself included, like me better.

To those who read this, I hope you enjoyed. Or at least gained some insight into something, whether it be my head or life in general.

To those who didn't, just keep living your life in the clouds, oblivious to everything. Happier than ever.

Not me.

Jonathan
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
3:45 AM

"Days Go By, the Time It Does Fly..."

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 23:20:27 GMT

Journal Entry XXI
"Aegrescit Medendo"

It has been a very long time since I have written anything in this vacant space of the internet. The trend shall be broken today.

To be honest, I don't even know what to write about. Alot has happened in the past few months since my previous post, but most of it isn't worth typing. I suppose I shall start simple, in no sequential order (though I shall try.)

Okay, so the last update was in November...so December 2005:

I quit my job at Jack Astor's. Not becuase I didn't like it, or becuase I hated the people. Quite the contrary actually. I loved my coworkers and the job paid me enough to get by. Unfortunately my one manager was a complete cock to me, so I had to quit before I killed him. He pretty much crossed a line that most people don't even come near to reaching. The best part was after letting my other managers know (the ones I liked) I was then told that I was fired. Because I didn't show up to a shift that I didn't know I had becuase I had quit a week earlier. Such is life.

I worked briefly with Randalé at Media Play for their liquidation. It was the simplest job on the planet. Then the dirty bastard moved to Florida.

I remained unemployed through most of January and February...Then I got hired at Smokey Bones restaurant on Maple Rd. It is nice there. We don't do great business yet, as we still have to establish ourselves in the area, but the food is excellent and the people are great. Being an inaugural server gives you the benefit of everybody being on the same level...nobody is there for years before you to get seniority and good shifts. If only my old managers could see me now.

Anyways, I still work there. Money isn't so great, but it's summer, and restaurants don't do as well then.

So what else is there?

The band - it's kind of a weird story, and more of a misunderstanding than anything else, but I felt as if I should quit due to certain circumstances. So I did. An attampt at reforming seemed unnecesarry as Vince is lacking essential drum equipment and Bert moved to California. The loss of Randalé didn't help the cause either, nor did my lack of a working amp. Regardless, I'm on good terms with the guys, or at least to my knowledge I am. I do miss playing...but on the other hand, it seemed like it was time to let it go. I guess I'd rather be proud of what we did and created as opposed to hating the memories becuase I drove it into the ground far past it's prime...It's for the best though. They don't need me.

Um, my family is all insane and I need to move out of my house asap, but my lack of financial security prevents that currently.

I turned 20. Still feel the same.

I guess my big thing now is just trying to be content with life and not forcing myself to do things. I hang out with my UB buds alot now. It's weird; we do all the things the band guys used to do, but it seems more fun...possibly just becuase it's new with fresh people, but it feels different. My current goal is to share time between old and new friends. I am having limited success.

My parents also recently let me know that they think I am gay as I have not had a girlfriend in like, a year (a year and a day to be exact...) I think I am ready to look for a girlfriend, but then again, I also could be rushing into things to prove my retarded parents wrong. I think it's a little bit of both actually...

But for now, I'm just taking things one step at a time. Surviving day after day. Working on trying to be a calmer, more accepting and easy going person. I'm doing better than I thought I would.

That pretty much brings me to doday. Tired, bored, broke. It's my lifestyle now. But no complaints. I'm happier than I have been in a long time...

I hope all is well with you as well.

Jonathan
Thursday, July 27, 2006
7:16 PM

"...and the beat goes on..."

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 07:39:28 GMT

Journal Entry XX
"Dance, Dance"

Words can not express how truly awful this week has been.

I've had strep throat for a week now. It needs to get better soon as ...amm has a show on monday. Yes...music...

It's a tired tale. The relationship involving two people who have little in common, forming the most unlikely of true relationships. I've seen it in movies. I never thought I'd live it.

Truth be told, recent events have given me the realization that I need to come clean. Not in a rehab sense, but in a sense to save what is left of my mind.

First, some background.

Everybody knows what happened with Jen and I. It's old news. She's happy - I'm happy for her. But the fact of the matter is that she isn't coming back, so I need to really push myself forward starting now. The first month and a half was hell. The second half of it was better. Acceptance and complacency settled in. But the mental effects it had on me were far more drastic than I ever thought they would be. Realistically, I am doing better than I figured I would, but not as well as I let on. But then again, this isn't the end of the world. I'm not naive enough to think I'm the first person this ever happened to, nor will I be the last. But the mental toll is beginning to weigh heavily on my shoulders.

The brunt of my problems isn't from the reality of it all, but rather the insecurities I now face from my subconscience. I find myself often fantasizing about death - not my own, but of inflicting it on others. Not even specific targets, just random people I see. The fact that I have urges to kill total strangers for no reason other than excitement and boredom scares me to death. However, even that does not worry me most.

What worries me most is my reoccurring dreams and the conflicts they leave in the back of my mind. Describing the dreams is pointless, as they are too surreal to ever accept as truth. I can not determine if they are significant and filled with meaning and innuendo, or if it is just mindless retardedness coming in the form of a state of unrest during my slumber.

I was once unable to sleep. Now I am also afraid to.

I can say with honesty what many have been told, but few would probably accept as truth. I am on medication. I do not take them.

The last month and a half have been absolutely lost to a trail of chain smoking and alcoholism. My financial resources prevent me from drowning myself in booze, but if I was rich, in the last 2 months, I can honestly say that it would have all been spent. Randy can attest for my excessive spending in Canada. If you don't believe him, check my wallet. Or even better, my bank account. I've taken out a little under $500 in the last 2 months for various trips to drunkenness.

Why do I do it? I don't know. Possibly to fill some self serving stereotype to help me pass the days a little easier, and much less coordinated. I was never one to do things just because it was in, but I can't say that I have any other explanation. There is no comfort in knowing I am good at holding liquor. Pounding a pint of beer in under 2 seconds does not qualify me for any title other than "idiot."

But anyways, to the present: I have to face up to the fact that, regardless of what I say, Jen still occupies my mind almost entirely. I was fortunate to find somebody who I genuinely cared for. I was stupid to allow things to get out of hand like they did. Was I entirely to blame? No. But I'll be damned if I couldn't have fixed things before they went to hell. I allowed an elaborate plan to take complete control of the relationship. I neglected her for the great scheme I had in store for us. Whoops.

So here it is. The sad and simple truth. I haven't moved on. I can't say with complete confidence that I want to. Jen accidentally sent me some random myspace thing, then apologized for it. The circumstances don't matter. She asked how I was. I question whether or not she would care how I was...if it was just a kind gesture from an overly ridiculous mistake. But I hope she cares. Not because it will do us any good, but rather because it will give me some closure. If I want to face up to this and move on, I need to have some balls and actually try to ease my mind.

I don't even fucking know where this is going. I know that I loved her. I know that I still do. Should I even bother pressing forward when my mind tells me not to? Should I trust a mind that is obsessed with death and destruction? That torments me on the rare occasion of sleep? Do I even know the truth of how I feel anymore?

Am I so jaded that I have lost all sense of self?

The only thing I gained thus far is a complete immunity to human emotion. I used to cry at least once a week, just because I was never satisfied with life and it's obstacles. After the breakup, I cried constantly, just because it was all I could do. Now, I have no feeling whatsoever.

Is it better to be a detached recluse with a close eye on reality, or to be a satisfied and happy humanoid with no grip on the truth? One path causes you to eventually learn to distrust even yourself. The other causes you to trust openly with no real judgment on how life really is. To live life completely in clichés is a curse. But is there another way to really live?

I grow tired of all of it. My promise to my mother keeps me alive. My friends grow tired of hearing about it. I keep it bottled up inside and release it only through my work. Even that has grown unacceptable as of late.

Talking to her would help. But she doesn't want that, at least I am pretty certain she doesn't. If not for a silly mishap, she probably wouldn't have ever asked how I was. I feel an answer would only prolong my self inflicted difficulties.

Where do you go when the only way to move forward is to move backward? I can't keep dancing myself in circles. I will only end up back where I began.

And here I am again.

A step forward. A step back. All in time with the beat.

The music keeps me alive.

The music keeps me alone.

Jonathan
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
2:32 AM

"This Is The End Of Your Life"

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 04:00:05 GMT

Journal Entry XIX
"In a moment it's gone, everything that you love disappears..."

I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't do it.

Everything about the past 2 months has sucked. I can't stop it, I can't control it, and worst of all, I can't move on.

The last words out of her mouth before she left me was that she wouldn't forget us and that she wouldn't be able to be involved with anybody for a long time.

I should have known it was just more lies. I should have been smarter.

Now all I want to do is die.

I'm sick of not sleeping. I'm sick of not eating.

I was doing alright.

Now I'm worse off than I ever was.

I gave my knife to my parents, trusting them to keep it somewhere safe.

My art relies on my pain, but I can only draw myself dying in so many different poses.

I'm falling apart.

I'm falling apart.

She's tearing me apart.

And she loves every fucking moment.

Jonathan
Monday, September 5, 2005
11:59 PM

"We The People..."

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 06:32:10 GMT

Journal Entry XVIII
"Oooh...Ahhh...Woow..."

It's been a whle since I felt any urge to write. But then again, it's been a while since I really needed to vent at all.

Today is, as us American folk refer to it, Independence Day. A day that celebrates the day when the founding fathers of our country decided they would declare us independent from the rule of Britain. Technically, the fourth of July was NOT when that happened, but it is when we celebrate it.

Regardless, this is a waste of a day. Independence granted us the freedom to become a nation of our own; and eventually one of the, if not the most dominant countries in the world. Good thing? Yes, undeniably so. Unfortunately, a day that should be considered patriotic has been turned into a manifestation of booze and pyrotechnics. It's a shame that a day of such pride can turn into such a waste of money and brain cells. I suppose it's ironic that a country that is great for it's ability to generally tolerate opinions and practices allows the poor habits of it's inhabitants to ruin a day or celebration. I'm not saying drinking and pyrotechnics aren't cool, but couldn't we do something a little nicer to celebrate our great nation?

I'm not saying I know the perfect way to celebrate Independence Day, nor am I saying that fireworks and alcohol should be banned from such festivities. However, it does ruin the mood of the day. At least for me. Example: Today at Town Park, I had a black kid throw a fire cracker at me. My shirt almost lit on fire and it bounced off of me onto the walkway. It exploded with a deafining pop. Then a drunken redneck came up and started yelling at me becuase supposedly I threw it and caused him discomfort of some kind. I had already almost been set on fire and deafened, and now I have some boozed out hick yelling at me "Do you want to go see a copper?!? Huh, you little fuck?!? I watched you throw that and it went off right next to me!"

Sure, I had a bad experience. Wasn't my fault, nor did I have any real assosiation with this man other than the fact that the fire cracker that caused him inconvenience was thrown at me and deflected off of my shirt into his path. But what are you going to do.

Then to make things much more livelier, I learned that a man (who I don't know) wants me dead becuase I broke into his truck (that I've never seen), went into his glove box (that I didn't know about), and stole (ready for this?) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. The part that made him the maddest though, was that I left the dome light on. Apparently this man lives next to Dan Connor. According to what I was told, Dan Connor himself was kind enough to tell this unknown person that I was to blame. I hadn't even been in the park for 10 minutes at this point.

So I received 2 threats from 2 people I had no contact with whatsoever. It sombers up a celebration quite a bit.

My fourth of July celebration is practically the same every year, and I guess I can't really complain. My entire family gets together and has a barbecue. Hot dogs, hamburgers, food, and time with people I get to see once a year. Not exctly a bad thing. In fact, it's rather nice. If anything, for my family, today is an excuse to see those who we are related to. Doesn't have much to do with independence, but whatever.

It just seems like such a shame that a country based on equality and toleration can have such a stupid idea of celebration. The irony of the whole thing is rediculous. The allowance of stupidity and ignorance has turned a day of patriotism into something that is anything but. Of course, maybe the day does represent what our country has become. A drunken frenzy of destruction-obsessed animals with no respect for history or tradition.

If you look at other holidays, it's all pretty warped.

Valentine's Day. A country that insists on seperating Church and State has a holiday for a Saint. Couples toast their love. Singles drink their misery away.

Easter. Religious themed yet again. From the death and resurrection of Christ, to chocolate eggs and bunnies.

Memorial Day. Finally, we get one right. Unfortunately, nobody takes time to really acknowledge those who sacrificed for our lazy asses.

Independence Day. Read above.

Labor Day. I never really understood the point of it to be honest.

Halloween. Dress up and scare people. Resons: Unknown.

Thanksgiving. Celebrating the enslavement and slaughter of the people who were here before the white folk. We lie to kids and say we all got along. True to an extent, but a lie as well. Food brings our fat nation together though.

Christmas. Religious again. Though a favorite holiday for most, becuase we get things for free, it still seems a bit strange. It celebrates Christ's endless giving, which is I suppose correct from a slightly abstract point of view. But where did the trees and ornaments come in? Or that fat guy with the beard and reindeer. If Santa existed in the 1800's, wouldn't he be hunted as a witch? It's amusing that one of our nation's most beloved folk heroes breaks into our houses, takes our food, and all we can say is "Presents!"

New Year's. I suppose this is the only holiday we have where people get it completely right. The whole holiday is a giant party to celebrate a year gone and a new one beginning.

Yeah, holidays are a nice idea. I guess I just wish there would be one that everybody celebrated to it's true purpose. Why not have a holiday that celebrates family values. A day where nobody works, and the entire day is spent at home with your family, enjoying a dinner together, and spending time in the company of oneanother. For those who do not have families, it is a time to have a mental health day, bum around and do whatever pleases them.

With time, our beautiful nation of freedom and tolerance would find a way to fuck that one up as well.

It just seems like such a shame to me that nobody appreciates what we have. Myself included. Such a nation should be granted a day to take pride in who we are.

But if who we are is represented by Independnce Day, then maybe we aren't such a great country to begin with.

Jonathan
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
2:30 AM

"What If God Was One Of Us?"

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 06:32:49 GMT

Journal Entry XVII
"Ashes, ashes, all fall down."

It should be expected if I enter in this posting board of stupidity that it will be long. That said, I shall continue.

If you are offended by references to God or a lackthereof, religion, or are offended by considering ones opinions as opposed to your own, discontinue reading now.

I "talked to God" today for the first time since my junior year. My prayers always went unanswered, as my sex organs are still the same size, the Avalanche didn't repeat as Stanley Cup championships, and my mother never won the lottery. That was a joke. But in all seriousness, I did talk to God as told do by the catholics who raised me. I would pray for world peace, for someone's good health, to let the passed souls be at peace. You're supposed to pray for stuff like that becuase their is never substantial proof that your prayers DIDN'T help those causes. You can't pray for a bigger wang, because then you will know there is no God when you don't wake up with a fire hose in your shorts. My conversation was brief, consisting of me challenging God. I didn't ask for things that are vague enough where you can debate that praying made a difference. I openly challeneged God to prove me wrong. To show that he really does care and that he isn't just a dillusional bastard who enjoys making people suffer, OR even more realistically, doesn't exist at all.

If there is a "god" then I highly doubt that it's what christians consider him to be. Raised a good catholic boy myself, the image of God is that of a wonderful bearded man, with a son so righteous that he could do miracles and was incapable of intolerance and hate. He is dressed in robes of white and glows of holiness and is the essence to all that is beautiful and good. He is all knowing, all caring, and created us all to his perfect vision. Though he loves us, he does have rules he wants us to obey and has deemed these commandments rules to live by in order to make sure chaos does not spread through his perfect, floating ball of happiness he calls Earth. If you disobey, you go to hell in order to be tortured and burned and scream in agony forever and ever with the demons, the devil, and the roots from which evil will blossom.

First off, I know I have talked about God and my feelings on him in a previous post. To recap, it goes like this: I was raised to believe in God, and, "swear to god", really put forth the effort to do so, but couldn't see the logic in it. That's the short easy to read version. There's just too many things wrong for this to be considered the perfect vision of a perfect immortal entity...or at least one who claims to love us all.

Say the Christians are right about God and Jesus and the whole Holy Bunch. That means that every other religion ever conceived is wrong. Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Naturalists, Confuicionists, etc. All wrong. It's unlikely. For one, we KNOW Confucious existed. That's a good start. But he never claimed he was God or all knowing. He simply put forth a plot as to how we should live. Not to say he's right or wrong, but whatever. Back to Christians: They insist their God is the only one. Again, instating that they are superior in that their beliefs are right and others are wrong. What if Yahweh DOES exist? But so does Buddha? And Sheeva? And every other god conceived. Does that mean Christians are right and wrong at the same time? I guess it justifies their faith towards invisible men in the sky, but it also eliminates the possibilities of those pesky commandments being true. Oh, and by the way, that thing about me talking to God at the beginning...it's a confusing mess. It's preached to pray nightly, yet only priests can talk to God. As well as touch altar boys.

If religion and the question of god was ever proven, would this world crumble? Honestly, I think it would. This is why I also feel that, as much as I disagree with the concept, that religion is necesarry. It gives hope, faith, call it whatever. It inspires people that tomorrow will be better. It is the only upside I can see.

Regardless of what religion you preach, I can't allow myself to buy into it. Get this: Religion has convinced us that THERE IS AN INVISIBLE MAN IN THE SKY. If you heard that anywhere else, you'd expect it to be a fairy tale. Is Pinnochio real? How about Paul Bunyan? No, it's rediculous, becuase you know that wooden marionettes don't talk on their own, and they definately don't turn into boys magically. There is no lumberjack with a blue bull, both of which are as tall as sky scrapers. So how did the invisible man story get so popular? If you read the story about how man was created, it almost seems like a book of puns. Woman was created with a (insert noun) from Adam. "hmmm...I know, a RIB!" Apparently Jonah gets (sexual reference) by a (animal). Yeah, swallowed and whale. That's a much better pun than Jonah gets sodomized by a gazelle. It's funny, yet oh so sad at the same time.

I don't blame you if you don't agree with me, but don't preach how I'm a heretic. My mother already did that. I simply see things realistically. I would like to believe someone is pulling strings. But if they really cared about us, would they allow the horrible and tragic things that happen in life to occur?

Maybe I'm a heretic. I'm not saying it's impossible I'm wrong. I'm saying it's highly unlikely that you'll prove it. But by no means God, don't go out of your busy day of hanging in the clouds and stuff. If curing diseases and ending the meaningless deaths of the innocent is on your agenda, please, do that first. I don't want to be the reason for your slacking.

You do enough of that as it is.

Jonathan
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
1:31 AM

"It's All So Sad"

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 07:55:33 GMT

Journal Entry XVI
"Life is a world of shadows and illusions. Only those who are strong of will and pure of heart will see clearly through the darkness"

Forgive me livejournal, for I am a contradicting bastard right now. I vowed to never use you again, and as much as I'd like to stick to that instinctive feeling, I need some sort of release to my anger, frustrations, and all of those other shitty things.

In the past 3 weeks, my life has reverted to quite a hell hole. The sad part is, it's all in my head. Every single aspect of my life that bothers me is completely my own fault. It's sad, it truly is. For all that I've "learned" through my life, I still can't manage to help myself get over my own miniscule and meaningless problems. It's kind of sad on a pathetic level.

College the first semester kicked my ass. This semester, it's not only looking for my ass to kick, but is planning on parachuting into my life with a big sign that says I have a vagina for all to see. While you try wrapping your head around that, get this: College is actually cool. So the fact that I'm doing poorly with it means I've hit a new low. I can't even succeed at something I enjoy. My classes would have easily cured my insomnia, and although we've had about 20 pages of notes per class, my notebook has nothing but doodles in it. I'm already 3 tests behind in English, and didn't hand in my only paper for 2 of my other classes. It's not becuase I'm lazy. The sad part is I actually attempted. I have just found that my ability to focus has completely degenerated into a lack of motivation and energy. Rather sad indeed.

In other news, Jack Astor's has lied to me for the third time. Yet again, my request to be a server has been denied, for who knows how long. Words can't express how disappointed I am. I hate bussing, but I love it there. It's good money and the people there are, for the most part, rather awesome. I'm not the only one they shafted this month, but it's still a massive disappointment. Finacially, I can't afford to only work 2 or 3 days a week. I guess I'll have to look for a second job after all. From my standpoint, this is the only thing I have no control over. I'm just getting fucked with here.

The band...well, to be honest, I don't even want to get into that. As much as it pains me to say so, I find my interest in it is gradually decreasing. It's become more of a popularity contest than a fun thing; more concerned with being big and successful rather than actually doing what we do best: go and have fun. I fear that soon, the band will break up and I'll have thousands of dollars of equpiment and nothing to do with it. I suppose I could sell it all and make some decent money, but honestly, nothing would break my heart more. I live for the band and my brothers. It is truly a silver stake for me. I probably could have done something more to help, but then again, if I knew what it was, I wouldn't be in this situation.

Relationship wise, I'm steady, but uneasy as always. Again my fault. Again, sad.

I've slept soundly for almost 2 straight months...now in the last 2 weeks, I haven't been as fortunate. I haven't missed any nights, but for the most part, I'm averaging about 2 hours a night. 8:05 classes don't help this at all.

Financially I'm in a rut. Guess I shouldn't have bought some of the things I did. The PA cost me a good chunk of all of my money. I'm still trying to pay it off. Guess whose fault?

It does make me smile to see that some of my friends are getting breaks in terms of their wants. Vince has finally gotten the girlfriend that he deserves. Randy has a job that he enjoys and has also found a girlfriend. I can honestly hope that things work the way they want them to.

My family is going crazy. With Jodi's baby due in a month, the whole system of the family has gone completely apeshit and head over heels for baby paraphanalia. I swear my mother is insane. She has to have bought about $2,000 worth of baby shit already. They are excited, and I don't blame them, but wow, it's a weird adjustment.

I guess my problem isn't so much that I have no control over my life, but rather that I don't know how to manage things. Everything is so hectic right now and I feel like I'm being completely enveloped in it. School and work alone are enough to make me go a bit crazy. The band has just added lots of anger and depression on top of it. Money wise, I can make the money with some wise saving, but that also relies on work to give me nice hours, which it won't since they won't let me be a server and work more than 3 days. Relationship wise, I'm on my own. Family wise, I'm just going to have to ride it out. I'm excited about being an uncle, but not so sure about the godfather situation. I've never been a huge fan of God or his stories. To be honest, I don't mind the title, but I highly doubt the church would give me the letter to say I can. My main concern comes in the form of letting my sister down. She really wants me to be the godfather. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to at least pretend to believe it all enough to let her be happy.

So here I am...not sleeping, awake in my own self doubts, writing a rant that, much like my thoughts, has been completely useless and unorganized. I'm lost in my own mind; confused by my own logic. I have lost control over my life and find myself watching things fly past me as I sit there helpless. It's sad. It's truly sad. I'm afraid of another downward spiral. I'm afraid of the consequences of my actions. By pleasing my emotions, I will most likely severly injure someone elses. Right now, I don't want that. I suppose it's a start that I've figured out my problem though. But it's still a shame that I don't have the courage to do a damn thing about it.

It's my fault and it's all very sad. But not in a tragic way. Not like a cripple who gets to heaven only to realize there's no wheelchair ramp. That's not his fault. It's more like Seigfried or Roy, or whichever one has the bigger vagina, getting attacked by his tiger. Not only do you not feel sorry for them, you almost find it acceptable. You root for the tiger.

It's so, so, sad.

Jonathan
Tuesday, February 16, 2005
5:43 AM

"Safe Sex = No More Mistakes"

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 06:39:38 GMT

Journal Entry XV
"Not learning from your mistakes is a mistake in itself."

This will be brief. Depression is heavy and life is a burden. Here's why:

For those who read this, chances are this doesn't apply to you. But for me...well, fuck. I suppose I should start by saying that this isn't something I've just realized but rather somethign I've always tried to look past my entire life. Recently though, I can't get it out of my head, and as ugly as it may sound, it is the truth. Anyways, let's take a trip inside my head.

Flashback: June, 1985 - Seoul, South Korea
- A 19 year old college student gets knocked up.
- 19 year old college student realizes to herself "holy fucking shit, this isn't what I fucking wanted!"
- 19 year old college student puts child up for adoption.
Flash Forward: April 2, 1986 - Seoul, South Korea. Approximately 3:30 PM
- A 0 year old baby born to 19 year old college student.
- 0 year old baby owned by a different family in a different country on a different continent before a name was selected.
Flash Forward: July 22, 1986 - JFK International Airport, New York City, New York
- 0 year old baby received by new parental figures, the Raszeja family.

This is the first few months of my life. Most kids have pictures of their birth, when they first getting home, all of that stuff. Not me. My first 3 months was nothing more than preparation to export me into another country.

My point is this: Realistically speaking, my conception, my existence, my very life as we know it, is based around nothing more than a stupid 19 year old's mistake. It is hard for people who live with their birth parents to comprehend, which is understandable. But for me, it has become more than I can bear. It is a guilt that I have to live with every day of my life. The fact that I am alive, is a mistake. My life was the result of teenage lust. In fact, it's quite possible that my life is a side effect of excessive partying.

Truth be told, it is just devastating to know that to some, now 37 year old Korean woman, I am nothing more than a regretted mistake.

Before I was born, I caused misery and regret. How could I possibly expect anything else out of living?

Jonathan
Monday, December 20, 2004
1:39 AM

"Heroes, Villains, and Crimes Against Self Confidence"

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 05:18:24 GMT

Journal Entry XIV
"We are all the hero in our own story"

My journal is becoming a nonexistent excuse for me to ignore my priorities. I have decided that soon, this will be put away and a real journal shall take it's place. Maybe it's best that way.

It is the time of year where giving and getting are all blurred into a giant exchange of money from one store to another. I have already spent $430 this year, and I still have stuff to do. Why do I bother? Sometimes I feel it's a way to reconnect to people I may have shyed away from unintentionally. Sometimes I do it just becuase I feel it's only fair. Sometimes it's becuase I have no other alternative. Regardless, I suppose my point is this: I've spent about $200 more than I hoped and I'm officially $300 in the hole.

This year, I can't feel too bad becuase for the most part, I genuinely felt giving and wanted to participate. Financially, my balls have been shoved down my throat.

That's enough for that.

To say my thoughts are a rambling of nonsense is accurate. To say I'm rediculously boring in my thoughts is also accurate. To tell me that my logic and my reasoning is not worthy of notation...probably accurate. But to me, my way of thinking and my mannerisms make sense. I know how I feel, when I feel it, and hopefully, sometimes, I know why I feel it. People don't understand this. Especially mom. Her and I have had some words lately.

My point of this is, in my mind, I know why I act and think and talk the way I do. If people cannot respect me for being true to my ordeals, then so be it. I will cope, and you will be better off without me anyways. You are the main character; the hero of your own story. Ignoring me is just another good deed by your protagonist self in order to right the wrongs of your life.

But lately, I seem to sway from my feelings. I have tried to break out of my reclusive shell, and to an extent I do feel better being with friends again. Yet for some reason, I still feel uncomfortable with friends. It shouldn't be that way. I know it's not them, but I don't know why I feel the way I do. I am becoming more and more worried. I sleep less, I think more. The more I think, the further the discontent grows within me. I do not like who I am or who I have become. I think back to when I was a good kid with a good heart. Now I'm just a bitter shell of my former self - alone, afraid, and more than likely, hopeless. I find more pleasure in sitting alone in the dark by myself than I do from going out. Shows have been satisfying, but have been too infrequent to really help.

I have found one thing that is satisfying: art. The one thing I always excelled at. The one thing that consumed more time than video games as a kid. Art has always been my escape. It is unfortunate that I abandoned such habits a few years ago...I could have truly developed. As for the current art: nothing but crap. I draw nothing important: landscapes, random people I see around, myself as a ninja, and then every now and then, a combination of the three. My ability has decreased, but it still brings back the nostalgic feeling that makes me smile. For the time being, this will be my rehab.

Some day I'd like to think I'll move past all of this. I am sure that I will grow out of this soon, or at least in the future. For now, I'll continue my art and my poetry, and maybe I'll improve upon my fading skills. I'm a lousy writer as is.

I can't say I can complain though. Everything that brings me down could have been avoided in some form or another. In that sense, I am the reason for my own plight. My depression is of my own hands. The blood coating them is only that of my veins. There are no bystanders. There are no victims. I am a crime against my own happiness. The only casulaty is my self esteem and my conscience.

Blade through my heart
Blood on the floor
The hands on the hilt are my own...

I am the tragic hero in my autobiography.

'Tis The Season...

Jonathan
December 13, 2004
12:14 AM

Mundus Vult Decipi

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 07:26:15 GMT

Journal Entry XIII
"We are all fucked. It helps to remember that."

At some point in my life, I transformed from an easy going, laid back, funny, friendly kid into a cynical, isolated, unhappy critic of the redundencies of life. I went from the policy of "work hard an you can do anything" to "no matter what you do, nothing will happen without fortunate coincideces, most likely that you have no power over." This transformation began around 7th grade, became apparent at sophomore year, and now, as a freshman in college, I have realized that the metamorphisism is complete.

For others though, they still feel as if the world is a wonderful place of plentiful opportunities. Lots of great chances that can be blown becuase you'll get another one. Great logic.

I was a sophomore when I came across the latin phrase "mundus vult decipi" which translates to "The world wants to be deceived." I had been reading a book that, unlike most useless sicnece fiction stories, was set in a more realistic future. World War III had ended, the economy had collapsed, and politics and science were more corrupt than ever imagined. There were the fun aspects to the book, such as vaporizing guns, underground sea labs, and flying holographically invisible space crafts, but I was fascinated by how the book had such a frightening look into the future. This book, KILLING TIME by Caleb Carr, was much better in my opinion that the fairy tales and fiction that Disney movies make millions off of. This is where the real rant will begin.

For years, I have been taught the optimistic views and morals that all the stories and movies I watched as a child had emphasized. Everybody knows them...work hard and you can achieve anything, quitters never win and winners never quit, set your heart to something and anything is possible, real winners never do drugs...all of it. For those who read this, think about it. Really. When I was little, I wanted to be President. Guess what? I can't. No matter how hard I work, it won't happen. I've quit many things, amongst them, believing these falcies drawn to give false hopes and faith to those who are in desperate need of inspiration. And as for real winners never do drugs, well professional sports disproves this theory, as well as...well, the President. Oh well.

Before I continue, let me state that I have nothing against fairy tales. They have great morals to the story. Unfortunately, just like the setting and characters, most of the morals don't translate to reality.

This is on my mind becuase of a recent english essay I had to write on the girls of Disney movies. They are all the same for the most part. Beautiful, kind, caring, good hearted, nurturing, and well, always happy with the shitty lives they have to lead. They always fall in love with a prince, who is usually riding through the forest for no reason, and they always end up with him, triumphing over their evil stepmother/stepsisters/witch. Take for example, Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine. They all meet the aforementioned criteria. After they eat a poisoned apple/lose shoes/get pricked by a poinsonous needle/lose their voice/have their interests attacked/forced to marry against will respectively, they are rescued by a prince/prince/prince/prince/beast-man/wannabe prince who then defeats the sorceress stepmother/stepmother and stepsisters/sorceress/sea sorceress/beast hunter/sorcerer. They sing with their animal friends/animal friends/animal friends/sea animal friends/dinnerware friends/pet tiger friend. What do these movies show? Well, it shows that good always prevails, that doing good deeds even with a life of slavery and exile/slavery/friendliness/oppressive fathers/beast taming/and forced marriages always makes you more attractive and a winner in the end, and that above all, no matter what happens, a prince will ride in on a horse/horse drawn carriage/horse/boat/surge of love/elephant and carpet. I didn't even get to the songs. The songs show a great sense of reality...music plays, you sing in perfect tune and a person who you don't know is listening or is too far to conceivably sing with you sings a duet with you, filling in for the verses where if you are alone, you are just cherishing the moment. Also, every good falacy has a miracle helper: dwarves/fairy godmother/animal friends/sea animal friends/dinnerware/genie. And as for their prince coming to rescue them by kissing them out of a coma/finding shoes/kissing them out of a coma/giving them legs/turning into a person/breaking a giant hourglass they are stuck in...well, that doesn't happen either. I highly doubt that a prince would kiss a girl he sees unconscious in a forest. If anything, he would run away screaming about the comatose girl he found in the woods.

These are excellent stories, but they are just that: stories. These should be used for entertainment purposes, not to teach and enlighten children.

It is these kind of falsehoods along with barbies, video games, and cartoons that turn innocent children into mindless zombies, preaching useless messages of falsehoods and lies. Reality doesn't happen like that. How come movies never have any of the female leads having menstrual cramps? Why is that the guys are always handsome, charming, and dreamy? The unattractive people are always designed to be unattractive. The protagonist is never a kid with thick rimmed glasses and lice. That's the comic relief character that everybody makes fun of. The same goes for the girls in movies. There will always be a fat one who has at least 3 scenes of eating shit. No wonder kids get picked on and get fat. Obesity is supposedly up to almost 80% of americans. That's rediculous. Teen suicide is top killer of teens. Maybe becuase they are picked on and fat? Becuase the morals they were preached never came true? If I made a movie, it would be about a decent person with no real standout qualities, who works his way to a date with his plainly decent dream date. They would go on the date and it would suck. It would be awkward, they wouldn't go out in the end. That's reality.

So the world wants to be deceived. We enjoy it. We like the fantasy that things work out right in the end and by singing, all your dreams come true. Quite honestly, I don't buy it.

I'll be the first to admit I'm strange and my method of thinking is a bit odd as well. I like to form my own opinions and act based on rational thought. That doesn't happen too often anymore. It's a damn shame too. When our economy collapses, singing about the good days and how bread smeared with shit is too expensive won't help. It will be amusing, but help it will not.

I did always hope though that some day we could see through the falsehoods of our lives. Of course I made a mistake by having blind hope. We will always try to teach our kids good morals and optimism instead of how to live life realistically. Some day, this world will be a big turn that everybody loves becuase we are convinced it is coated with candy. Who knows, maybe it is. But hoping won't transform the turd filling to chocolate.

We love to be deceived. We are damn good at it too. We are naive, stupid, and ignorant. We are the comic relief characters of the story. We are the chocolate binge eaters and the obese idiots who drink a lard and hamburger smoothie as an appitizer. If we were characters in a story, a good chunk of us would probably be slipping on banana peels too often to speak. We could change our ways, but we won't. Let's keep sliding around, falling on our asses, eating concentrated fat and enjoy it. Why not? We all think that we are the charming princes and the beautiful princesses anyways.

We love to be deceived. It's the foundation of our country; the American Dream. The American Dream is a falacy, as is pretty much everything else. The land of golden opportunities and infinate limits.

I know one thing for sure. We are good at deception. This is no falacy. Mundus vult decipi. All I can say is that if you keep dreaming, the morning after will be a bitch when you realize you aren't awoken by a prince's kiss, but rather by a car alarm. But be happy in your dreams. It's as close to happiness as you'll get. Happiness is a falacy. Miracles are a falacy.

When I'm elected President, falacy will be outlawed as moral institution. Oh shit. Guess we're still screwed. Go back to sleep and dream some more. Maybe you'll wake up in a better place.

Jonathan
November 11, 2004
2:25 AM

Carpe Diem

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 05:38:25 GMT

Journal Entry XII
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying."

Life has this bad habit of making life a teeter totter of emotions. One moment, delighted, the next, depressed. I can't even begin to express how much this annoys me.

For the past year and a half now, I have been dealing with all sorts of emotional constipation. My feelings, my emotions, swaying with the breeze. My mood swings are similar to that of my mothers when she was going through menopause. Life would be so much easier if I could just feel one way, and then deal with things. Unfortunately, life's a bitch.

Inspirationally speaking, life shouldn't be judged by what happens, but by how you deal with things and what you make of your situations. Needless to say, it's much easier said than done. The human spirit can only take so much negative emotional input before it implodes. With that said, I think that my emotional stress level is in the maximum, WARNING: HIGH VOLTAGE area. My problems are numerous, and since people tend to read these pointless festerings of my life written on a public domain, I won't get specific. My stress is rediculous. Fortunately, I can deal with it, but it's still a nuissance. School, work, friends, enemies, it's all starting to conglomerate into a giant ball of stress. I can feel it rising within me and it is frustrating beyond your computerized brain's comprehension. Deep down, I'm still very bitter at a world that I refuse to sink down to enjoy. Some people just think I'm an ass. I probably am...actually, I know I am, but it's mostly because I refuse to accept what happens around me. It kills me to know that I have little to no affect on anythign around me. It's frustrating, and I treat it as I would any other thing I don't appreciate. I just hope people don't take me for an asshole, for the hell of it.

Through a bit of thinking, I came to these conclusions about myself:

1) I refuse to participate in many social things becuase they seem to immature, yet I enjoy participating in other immature things. This selective immaturity of mine is weird. Regarldess of action, I'm with the same people anyways, so it doesn't make too much sense. It's increasing my insecurities and turning me into a recluse.

2) I am a massive procrastinator. This is not news to me, but I never realized the extent of my problem. Holy crap, I need to be a little more on the ball. The fact that I have an F in European History can account for this trait.

3) I have not fully gotten over my experiences from last February. The more I think about it, the more it seems as if I can't let go to my fears and grudges. The tendencies are gone, but I still feel used, excluded, isolated, and more than anything, extremely bitter. Maybe I am afraid if I ever fully let go, I can fall back into my hole. Maybe by hanging onto the ledge, I won't risk getting careless and having to climb back up. I don't know, maybe it's just the sleep deprivation talking. Regardless, people don't care.

4) I find that I am more disappointed with who I have become every day.

5) I need to start living life a little more. I have spent 18 years being an ideal son and to be honest, it's driven me a bit crazy. My parents have lightened up, but I still feel as if I missed something along the way. Maybe I'm way off on this one, but I want to be able to go out and do things with people and have fun. You know...other than sit around fires. It's a shame nobody ever has money, becuase the more I think about it, the closer our group would get if we actually did something once in a while.

I suppose that's my biggest peve right now. I can't stand the fact that nobody ever wants to do anything anymore. Yes, it's true that there isn't a great deal to do around this horribly boring suburb, but even with bowling last night after homecoming, I managed to have some fun. Someday I'm going to make a list of things to do around Cheektowaga that don't involve other people's property and putting thing in/on their lawn. I'll hang it up and lamenate it or something. Lasertron was fun...we should do that again. Or Putt-Putt. Fuck, why not just go to Sea World? That would kick ass. Ok, the last one's a bit off, but I'm pretty much willing to do anything besides staring aimlessly at you.

I know that I'm insane. How much, I'm not sure, but whatever. I totally lost the focus of what I started with, which was how emotions suck, but all these damn entries are like that. I guess my main idea was Carpe Diem. Yeah, I need to seize some days. Seize them, cook them, and make tents out of the hides. Mmm...tents. That reminds me of a joke.

Carpe Diem. We're not around for long. When we die, the great poem still goes on. We each get a chance to write a verse.

...I want my verse to mean something...

Jonathan
October 25, 2004
1:39 AM

Crisis - The Teenage Inheritance

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 04:57:42 GMT

Journal Entry XII

"No medicine on earth can cure a wounded heart"

Human emotions and actions are both very complex things. They are unique and similar at the same time. People all have the capability to possess the same emotions, and for the most part, we do. Yet, all the emotions are different. One person's happiness can be caused by something that would never make anybody else happy. Yet, people are still capable of having the same thrill and joy from different activities. In essence, it's a result with many factors, an effect with different causes. Actions, are very similar. People all have motives, and can all act differently. If I move my arm a certain way, so can someone else. But no matter how it happens, it will never be exactly the same. You, being a computer, probably don't know how this is possible, since for you, everythign is monotonous repitition, but trust me when I tell you that similar emotions are derived from many things, and vice versa.

With that in mind, I want you to know that this has been one of the shittiest weeks I've experienced in my life. Not just for me as an individual, but for all of my friends as a whole. More things have gone wrong this week for more people, than your computerized brain can probably comprehend. Everybody from Bryan, to Lea, to Vince, to Jen, to Myself, and so forth. This week was just not a good week. The problems; numerous. The reasons; differentiating. The results; heartbreaking. This week has been an emotionally painful one. This week has been a week for attacks to the heart. The heart - our strongest point, yet our weakest target. This week has been heartbreaking.

After all the unmentionable events of this week, I found myself contimplating the actions and emotions of people as individuals and as a whole. As a whole, we are generally caring who wish to achieve whatever desirable goal they strive for. However, individually, many people are selfish and petty, who do what they can do achieve what they want, at whatever cost.

It was at this point that I realized, this is all part of being a teenager.

There are reasons that everybody experiences these problems. It is a step for our age, a phase we must grow through. The crisis we face on a daily basis, is something all of us go through, yet none of us are ever prepared for. It is the hectic life of growing up. All of us feel it, yet it's from different sources. Just like happiness, we can all experience it, and we all do. Yet, never from the same source. Maybe similar, but never the same.

Maybe it's better that emotions are widely familiarized, yet individually specific. It's not fair to have to go through life, living the same experiences that someone else is. The emotions we feel is what will shape how we grow and how we act. Then again, maybe it would be better if people were able to experience the exact same emotions from the exact same causes. We would be able to better understand each others' crisis and be able to provide some sort of help or support.

The truly disappointing factor is that, at this stage of life, crisis is unavoidable, and seemingly necesarry. It may seem unfair, but everybody goes through it. The hard times will shape our character and affect our hearts. Whether it strengthens your heart or weakens it to obscurity, these years shape who we become.

So now, I sit back and think to myself: "What can I do to improve our situations?" It's not nearly as nice of an answer as I may like, but I fear that all we can do is tough it out. Take things as they come, deal with them as they occur, and try to move on. For the next few years still, all of my age group has a bulls-eye on their chest, with bullets of rage and unfairness and misunderstandings flying towards it. Every hit counts. And every hit hurts.

I suppose all we can do is stand our ground, try our best, and be true to our targets...

Jonathan
September 20, 2004
12:59 AM

Hell Is Where The Heart Is

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 06:20:40 GMT

Journal Entry XI

"Here I am: an empty, worthless, shell of a man."

Tonight I am rather down. I won't go into details, but I wrote a little poem. Nothing really personal, but it relates to the turmoil brewing inside of me. I have so much going on...I'm trying my hardest to keep my head above the surface. Hopefully, things will start to calm down soon and I can rest for a bit.

Anyways, here's my poem. I call it "Hell Is Where The Heart Is". Randy came up with that randomlly in my car yesterday, and I thought it fit.

A losing battle,
A pointless war,
Isn't it what we've waited for?
The time is now
To find the time
Retire now while in our prime.

I have regrets,
I have my shame
I have the time, let's play the game
Let's roll the dice
And lose it all
Let's bow and take our final fall

I've lost my mind,
I've failed tonight
The war is over
I lost the fight.
Goodbye, good grief,
I bid farewell
My heart's gone home
My home is hell.

Jonathan
Sunday, September 12, 2004
2:19 AM

College Is Fucking Crazy

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 03:56:24 GMT

Journal Entry X

"Free Beer...Naked People"
~Radio Add

Maybe it was wrong of me to think of college as a completely different experince than high school. Suppose I expected what I see in movies and television, as opposed to what I should have. I believe that I made the same mistake most would. I fell for the stupid trap that I am usually good at avoiding - believing what I am told before I see it myself.

Don't get me wrong, college has totally been cool. But it's not what I expected. Classes are similar to Maryvale. Small clusters, of a maximum of 30-40 kids. Roll call, attendence, homework, groupwork. It's no big lecture hall with tiers of seats like in movies. The ONLY similarity I've seen to movies is the shining blue lights with emergency phones, like in THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT. The difficulty isn't off the charts like I expected. Granted, I've gone two days thus far, I'm sure it will get increasingly more difficult, but still. It seems almost like high school in a new building with different people. I got shafted with classes. I have a shitlaod to carry. It's kind of disappointing.

But as I said, it's been totally cool. The environment is great and it's nice to not be treated like a 12 year old. Mom still treats me that way, but my professors don't. In fact, they are rather strange themselves. Allow me to explain.

2 of them sound like they are straight from Monty Python movies. The one guy has a hilariously retarded voice. The other accentuates EVERY syllabol. To give you an idea of what this is like, I will type a sentence with capitals where he would accentuate words. The sentence will be: I talk like a fucking retard.
"I Tah-Kuh Lah-CK A Fuh-Kin-Geh Re-TahR-DuH."

One other dude is the living human version of Yoda. He's 87, has the hair, the walk, and the short-I need to breath between every 3 words-sentences. It's pretty freaky.

Another professor has A.D.D. I swear he does. He has to. The first thing he said when he came in class was the following:
"My name is a pallindrome! See?" He then wrote his name. "A pallindrome is spelled the same forwards and backwards!" (this was for the retarded kids). He then wrote his name again. "See? It's the same!". Then he wrote it a third time.

Dr. Hamm is pretty cool though. She plays drums in a chick band, which is pretty sweet. She's my advisor and kicks ass. The only normal one.

Oh yeah, did I mention that in one of my classes, I sit near a midget? There's nothing as distracting as looking over and seeing a dwarf girl staring blankly at Yoda-man.

So, college is different and the same and well, fucking crazy, all at the same time. I guess it's not exactly what I expected, but it's better than high school. The food kicks ass, and our sports teams don't completely suck. My idea of college going in, was some whore filled campus wide party. I knew it wouldn't be as such, but it's not even close. Oh well, I enjoy it anyways. I never really was the party type to begin with. Sometimes, disappiontment can be a good thing I guess.

Jonathan
August 31, 2004
11:56 PM

Different People...Different Place...Different Person?

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 06:38:54 GMT

Journal Entry IX

"Just cause you grow up doesn't mean that you have to grow up"

Tomorrow, I begin a new journey. Tomorrow, I leave behind my title of "high school student" and become a college student. Tomorrow, I begin college, a day that even a few months ago, seemed a day in the distant future. The year 2004 had been drilled into my head since I was in kindergarten. Now the year has come, and I had graduated high school. Beginning tomorrow, 2008 will begin the entry of a new hole in my head.

I suppose it's only natural to be amazed at how time has moved so quickly. The years have always gone so slowly, yet high school moved so quick, with the exception of this last year, which moved slower, yet hastily nonetheless. I suppose it's also natural to have very mixed emotions on this new page in my book of life. Calm, nervous, anxious, bored, annoyed, excited. Just to name a few. It's just another school yeah, but it isn't. It's a beginning, and an end, yet it's also just a continuation. It's safe to say that I don't know quite what to make of this yet. I haven't mentally prepared myself for this leap.

I sincerely hope that this change is only one of scenery and faces. I don't think college would change me much, but this has been a year of undoings and rebuildings; breakdowns and repairs; depression and regrouping. Who knows what could happen. I'll just wish for the best.

Regardless of how I feel, tomorrow I begin my next chapter.

Now it's time for my message board section of the update. Here's my class schedule:

Monday:
8:05-920: History Of Modern Europe to 1815 107
9:30-10:20: English 101
10:30-11:20: Intermediate Mathematics 002

Tuesday:
8:30-9:45: Technology In Educatoin 122
10:00-11:15: History Of New York State 382

Wednesday:
8:05-920: History Of Modern Europe to 1815 107
9:30-10:20: English 101
10:30-11:20: Intermediate Mathematics 002

Thursday:
8:30-9:45: Technology In Educatoin 122
10:00-11:15: History Of New York State 382

Friday:
9:30-10:20: English 101
10:30-11:20: Intermediate Mathematics 002

Yeah. That's my schedule for this semester.

Jonathan
August 29, 2004
2:38 AM

Naive Are We All

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 17:37:46 GMT

Journal Entry VIII

"Stern and disheartening is the voice of reason"

It often amazes me at how naive one can be. Naivite is somethign that everybody has, whether it be in little spells, or even if it's a dominant characteristic. We are all naive. Over the last 2 days, I've received lectures from people, who are angered by my comments and feel the need to voice their opinions. While I do appreciate being clarified on things I wouldn't know about, I don't necesarrily like being told how to think and how to feel. With that being said, I shall continue with my ranting on how we are all naive.

Nobody knows everything. Nobody even comes close. In fact, at this stage of the game, we are all pretty much at the point where everybody knows nothing. Yet at our age, everybody seems to know everything about anything. Knowing now, that people actually do read these little hints of insight to my logic, I suppose I should at least explain myself a little more than I usually would. So, for instance, take for instance, Panfil. She's been my oldest friend and my closest. After reading my post, which doesn't even really say anything about her, she felt the need to yell at me through ims for a while when I was sleeping. To sum it up, pretty much it could be put as this:

Jon's an ass and ruins life and fun for everybody.

Maybe I do and I'm not tending to disagree. But I don't recall putting anything in my previous entry other than the fact that I miss Kaiser and that Billy is at least around whereas Kaiser has disappeared. If it was taken as anything other than that, I apologize, for that was all it was intended as. This encounter is an excellent example of the naive thoughts of our species, specifically in our age group. Again, this is my OPINION, which hasn't really gotten through to anybody yet, but I feel the need to explain anyways.

To keep this simple and easy to follow, I will do this very simply.

Panfil and I = naive
Panfil = naive to Kaiser's friends' feelings
Me = naive to what really prevents Kaiser from showing up

There. Simple. Easy. True. I could go on about how insulted I am and bitch at Panfil, but that would be kind of pointless and two wrongs don't make a right. Although I would like to make public one note that she did mention. That is the fact that I make my problems seem so greatly important and that I don't care that other people also have problems.

First off, yes, everybody has problems.

Second off, these posts are opinions, don't read too deeply into them. They aren't exactly facts, but rather observations and insights into my thinking.

Third, I remember a specific time, New Years Eve, in Joe's basement, when Panfil yelled at me becuase I was sad and depressed and bringing down her evening. She told me to stop acting depressed because I was ruining her night...ya know...maybe an hour after I found out my aunt was on a respirator, never coming out of the hospital and dying rather hastily. I had so much to be happy about...to everybody else who was offended by my mopeyness that night, I am horribly sorry and I didn't mean it at all.

Ok, so the the third point was a bit of a shot, so disregard that one. So again, in what I hope is the last time I have to personalize messages, I shall say this:

Panfil, I'm sorry that I have caused inconvenience to your life and I sincerely apologize for any damage I may have caused. My words were not attacks or abuse, but rather a clarification to Bill's comment/question. As for me ruining lives, well, nobody's perfect. I guess I'm just naive.

Maybe we all are.

Jonathan
August 24, 2004
1:36 PM

Apologies, Reiterations, And Thoughts To Be Ignored

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 21:35:54 GMT

Journal Entry VII

"No gift is greater than that of friendship"

I promised myself, I wouldn't allow this journal to become my tool for evoking reactions from friends about my feelings. However, with my last entry, I feel I need to clear some things up to Bill. So, hopefully, this will be the last time I allow myself to use you as a tool for people to read about.

Bill: Please understand, my last post wasn't an attack on either you or Casey, and I don't want you to think of it as such, but rather as my view on the things that are going on around me. I do not consider you less of a friend than before, nor do I think less of you. I apologize for the last message, because when I read it back to myself, it does seem to have a negative arrow pointing towards you, which is not my intention at all, so for that, I am very sorry. You are right when you say that you haven't changed much. My references towards change were more directed towards Casey, and although you may not see it, the people who knew her before this year have. Again, this isn't an attack, but rather my observations. Maybe I am completely wrong, or maybe she does act different, but only when I'm around to notice. Both are possible, but I won't make excuses for how I feel or what I notice. I love Casey to death, and I wish you two the best, but she isn't the same person she once was. Either way, if you are both happy, then I wish you the best. Don't let my personal feelings interfere with your lives. You can't please everybody and I am definately not an exception. Just don't forget who will always be with you and stand behind you, even when no girl could. As for Kaiser and Panfil, I don't even know what to think about them. You definatley are not like them. I miss Kaiser like hell, and I've missed him since November. It's easy to forget those around us when someone special arises from the group. I'm as guilty as anybody and could rant for hours on it, but I won't. I believe I am speaking for the band when I say that we do miss the way things were before you two, but that doesn't mean we don't like the way things are now. Peronally, I do feel somewhat jipped out my time with just the guys, but that's just me, and I could be acting out of selfishness when I think so. Either way, don't take my words too seriously. They are just my thoughts, and I have been wrong in the past.

Jonathan
August 23, 2004
5:34 PM

Guilt Stricken Changes And Redundencies Of Life

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 06:37:14 GMT

Journal Entry VI

"The only thing constant, is change itself."

I find that the more I learn about people - the way they talk, the way they act, and the way they really are, the more I am rather disappointed with humans as a whole. People act differently with some people than they would on their own, as if they forget who they are, or wish to change it for others. It's a shame. I do not usually sway from my usual persona or at least, I don't think I do, but as of late, I find myself becoming a different person, attitudewise. I suppose it cannot be helped. Even if one tries, they can't control their emotions. Once a certain point is reached, I suppose completely rational thought and judgement becomes blurred to obscurity and irateness and impulsiveness both become clearer solutions. I have concluded that being a true friend, is about accepting all sides, the rational, and irritated, and all imbetween. The hard part is sticking to that rule. Few can do it. It is a goal I shall strive for.

In the last week, the band has been busy, though while missing some people. Bill has been in Florida. Phil has been recovering from ear surgeory. As for the rest of us, we've been writing, and practicing, trying to reform our ability to play songs after a long break. All has gone surprisingly well. Randy has begun to fuse keyboard into a song or two, which is nice. Matt has seriously impressed all of us with a few new tricks as well. We hope to record in the future, but we have to save some funds first. In honesty, I was looking forward to trying to record with Nick Borgosz, but he rejected our offer, rather rudely. Jelousy and impulsive irritability has clearly ruined our chance of recording with him, or at least it would seem. It seems as if we'll go back to Kevin, who does rule at everything. Nothing against Kevin of course, but I assumed Borgosz would have some more experience with horns, being that he was in TCT and all. That's not for a while though, but it's still quite a process that requires a bit of planning. Someday we'll get to record again, but if we do, I want to do it right.

As I mentioned, Bill was in Florida. He returned today. We had a fire and a get together for him, which he arrived to late, and left about 25 minutes after arriving. I don't think he really appreciates the friends he has. It's kind of sad. We miss him alot, but he doesn't seem to get it. I don't think Casey has realized what she's turned into either. I miss the friends I had, and I'm not really fond of what those friends mutated into. Bill used to be fun and hilarious, but he's suddenly turned into a shell of Bill, who just talks about being gay. I suppose he did that all the time before, but it's just not the same. I guess I can't explain it, and maybe I'm just being irrational. Casey went from being the closest thing to a sister I've ever known, to becoming the exact thing we used to make fun of and mock. I think deep down, they know they've changed, but I don't think they realize how much it has affected other people. It's almost unimaginable to think back to a time when they were actually fun to hang out with. I know I'm being a horrible friend for not accepting what they have become, and for that I do feel guilty, but every now and then I just can't help but wish things were like they used to be. I feel horrible as a friend and as a person in general knowing that I've thought of such things.

This week has flown by. I can't believe there's only a week left until I start College. I'm kind of excited, I'm kind of nervous, I'm kind of oblivious. I don't want to go, I am pumped to go, and I'm not sure if I'm ready, all at the same time. I suppose that's normal, but it's a very unfamiliar feeling. Of course, nobody really stays the same forever.

Maybe it's better that way.

Then again, maybe we are all just lying to ourselves - guilty of becoming shells for emotions that will control us, instead of the other way around. Guilty of letting go of control and composure, and surrendering to irrationale and impulsiveness. Guilty of forgetting who we really are and what we really have.

Guilt and change...it's the only thing that is ever the same.

Jonathan
August 23, 2004
2:33 AM

George Carlin And Suicide Made Funny

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 14:47:09 GMT

Journal Entry V

"You know what people don't talk about anymore? Pussy Farts."
~George Carlin

Your little, computerized, microchip of a brain, can't process humor, and that's a shame for you, becuase that quote is hilarious.

George Carlin last night quite possibly revitalized my poor status. He is by far that master of all things. As proof of this, I shall sample Vince's entry to share some of his wonderful insight:

"he talked about a ton of stuff...how much he enjoys suicide, but the entire process of doing so (the time, place, method, the LETTER)...it was hilarious! "How do you start the letter? To whom it may concern?...nah, too impersonal...to my family? nah...leaves out the other fucks. I know!....Hey kids! Guess what daddy did today? Keep reading!"...."Signed...the corpse in the room. P.S. F*CK YOU!!!""

That's a complete understatement. Hilaroius does not do this justice. Think about it...He talked about suicide for a good 15 minutes, and I don't think anybody stopped laughing at any point, through that time.

The man is amazing. HBO and television spots, don't compare to how funny he is in person. Another one of my favorites was about how he hates Christmas Cards, especially family newsletters and pictures of relatives' kids.

(while pretending to look at a card)"So and so is 12 years old now? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! Tell me, does she have any tits yet? Send me a picture of her tits."

Genious. His love for death and destruction amuse me more than most people would ever admit to. He closed with a speech about natural disasters, which will end his HBO special in fall 2005. I won't go through the whole thing, but it's hilarious. It starts with a watermane break in California, causing an electrical fire with the subway, spreading to the city, causing havoc and destruction of the entire country, ripping a hole in the time-space continuum, everybody's dead Uncle Dave coming back, and the whole planet exploding into billions of stars, each with billions of planets, where Uncle Dave is always a winner. Then he ends with the line "Now you see why I love natural disasters and death so much"

Amazing.

Jonathan
August 16, 2004
10:46 AM

The Dark Side Of The Heart

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 04:31:01 GMT

Journal Entry IV

"The scars on the surface hide the scars underneath"

Well, well, well...between you and I, it seems as if Jen has begun to realize the severity of my emotional condition right now. I feel bad, yet relieved at the same time. I feel bad for making her so upset about things, but I know that it's for the better of the relationship, or at least my sanity. After reading her journal, I was slightly offended by the way she implies that nothing she does is good enough for me. I feel I've been too good of a boyfriend to deserve that, especially from her. Though her words, were true in fact, they were from a very biased opinion. Every sentence was her action and her excuse at the same time.

I guess it just offended me. What she said in her entry was true as I said, but that was only the latest of our problems. The reason we break up in the past is becuase she lies to me, hides it, then admits it when I catch her on it, then tries to make excuses. If only she'd learn that what I want to hear is just the truth. I don't want to know what led up to whatever she lies about. All I want to hear is "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I am sorry I have betrayed your trust".

I know that is alot to ask of people in our corrupt world, especially at an age level where immaturity and stupidity run rampid, but I hoped that she would have the faith in our relationship to do that. I know that I do ask certain things of Jen, but I do not consider them hard to obey. Three thigns to be exact. Don't drink, don't smoke, and talk to me when we have problems. Because other people do it is the stupidest excuse I've ever heard. I don't know. Maybe I'm cursed with logical judgement and my own mind to make my own decisions. It's somethign that has been around forever, yet isn't practiced much today. Maybe it's our stupidity and lack of common sense that have cuased this world to rot away.

Jonathan
August 14, 2004
12:31 AM

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 06:16:54 GMT

Journal Entry III

"If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane"
~Jimmy Buffet

Well, things are definately rather hectic for me. I feel very conflicted. So many things are going through my head right now. Most of them are Jen related. I know she is trying so hard to regain my trust, yet I can't seem to find it to truly forgive her this time. I fear that she may have pushed me over the edge this time...just typing the words brings tears to my eyes. She has lied to me before, and it's always caused problems. This time she lied to me three times in 24 hours...I still fight with the emotional damage. It shouldn't linger than this. I'm better than this. I should be able to handle this. I want to get over this. Why can't I let go...?

Deep inside, I think I know the reason...a dark, secret reason, that I am ignoring and hoping isn't true. Emotionally, I can't handle this. Inside, she has damaged me beyond repair. I have allowed her to scar me to a point where I can't immediately heal. I don't know how to handle my pain. It's a subtle pain that rises every now and then throughout the day. And it kills me inside to know that it's entirely possible that it will happen again. That's the part that kills me most: Not that she has lied to me, lied to me again, the promised not to lie, only to be lying about that and then lie two other times that day. What hurts most is the fear that it will happen again.

I'm going crazy, I swear. Maybe it's for the better. I'll leave it at that. I need rest. Goodnight.

Jonathan
August 13, 2004
2:00 AM

Simple Expectancies vs. Greedy Selfishness

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 07:34:28 GMT

Journal Entry II
Quote:

I can't sleep again. It's 3:15, a time when most people sleep, at least in this time zone. Here I am, same as always, sitting here, not sleeping. I have been tired all day, yet I'm still awake. It's been over a year now since I've had a truly consistant sleep schedule. I've come to realize that my sleep and my stress are completely related. Luckily for me, things seem to be getting better, but I can never be too sure, and I will always second guess myself. The more I take a step back and think about who I really am, the more I become disgruntled with my true figure: an unimaginative loser, whose vision of what he wants to be clashes with the reality of who he really is. It seems that more and more often, I am unhappy with my life, in the sense that it seems to be a sheltered waste of time. I've concluded that I won't ever truly be happy living under my mother's roof, not to say that I don't love her and that she doesn't love me, but rather that her rules are too confining for me, especially in recent months when my need to get out has become more and more dire.

When I think hard about it, I can't say that I'm not lucky. I definately am. I have more than most kids my age could ever ask for. That said, I also completely appreciate all that my parents do for me. I'm discontent becuase of the things that everybody else has that I don't. The simple things. I've always felt so sheltered that I was always missing out. The fact that I am 18 years old, and have a midnight curfew during summer break is an example off the top of my head. I wasn't allowed to get a job until I reached senior year of high school. Girls still aren't allowed in my bedroom, even if it's just to play video games. The simple things, the little freedoms that every child has, I was never given. I am willing to say that I would give serious consideration to trading in money and gifts for freedoms that every teenager has except for me. The constant pampering and spoiling has made me soft and lazy anyways. Even mother admits to that, of course, it's her own damn fault.

There are so many other things that cause my pain. This just happened to be one that crossed my mind today. I'm not sure why, but the more I thought about it, the more I questioned what I wanted. As I said earlier, I'm lucky. But is what I want and example of me wanting some general freedom? Or is it me just trying to get something else...one more gift to be spoiled with...Either way, I know that the simple expectancies that I wish for, won't be granted, so it's probably best not to ponder it.

Whatever the case may be, this is only one of many of my current quarrels with my subconscious mind. However, the rest will be discussed at later dates, if at all. Maybe someday, things will get better and my heart and mind will finally be at ease. This helps. Maybe that day will be soon...

...Probably not...

~Jonathan
August 11, 2004
3:31 AM

A Rebirth

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 05:26:23 GMT

Hello. I guess this is the first time I will be using you to your correct usage. My thoughts as of late are jumbled, cluttered, and extremely cruel as of late. My thoughts have ranged anywhere between "I fucking hate life" and "I fucking love life". The instability of my life and constant state of discomfort with my position in society has led me to believe that not only have I not come as far as I thought I had, but maybe my battle with self doubt has only just begun. Recent events have seemingly turned the clocks backwards for me - back to a time when my confidence and tolerance were at all time lows and my anger and hostilities hit record peaks. My pop throwing incident last week just proved that I'm not myself...how long will it be until I finally feel like I'm back to normal? I hate feeling like a sore thumb. I suppose that I took years of popularity for granted...but then again, popularity isn't what I care for. What I really miss is the feeling of fitting in. No matter where I go anymore, I feel out of place. With my past friends, I was often too immature. The trend grew old and I gave up on the concept. With 2fu, I was too neutral, leaving the matters of the band to the other bandmates. With ...AMM I finally felt comfortable, yet now, I get the feeling that I am too old, and am a forced presence on group activities, permitted solely becuase of my band presence. I feel that my position is similar to Casey's. I'm there solely becuase I'm with someone from the group. My insecurity grows every day, and I feel more and more out of place with each visit. Now I don't even feel secure in my own relationships.

It seems as if everytime I think things are finally going good, reality hits me that things are not as good as I thought. My discomfort with Jen continues to waine, as my feelings of trust are built and shattered continuously throughout our relationship. I find myself feeling abandoned, for no reason, when I know that I have friends who can help. I love Jen, but I hate what she does to me at times. I am no superboyfriend or anything, but I know enough to think about her. She doesn't realize how much she hurts me at times. I don't think I realize how much she hurts me either...

At least the band is up and running again. Now that the guys are back in town, I have something to look forward to. I have practice tomorrow, which will be thrilling. Getting to play organized again is great. But even at that, my displeasure with the band increases as well. We have the talent, we have the love, but we just never seem to make a song that in my opinion is really good. We have some catchy stuff, but for some reason no song we ever write really seems good enough to me. I, myself amd partially to blame as well. I have tried writing recently, and I've had some ideas, but I can't quite make the formula for a great song. I don't mean like, a legendary song to build a fortune on, but just something that I could listen to without groaning, or mumbling "not that song again" to. I want to write a song that just makes me smile. Songs like EVERLONG, or ONE HEADLIGHT, which could be not popular at all, or outdated, or even shitty in some people's opinions. They are just the songs that make me happy. I want to have one song like that with the band before my ...AMM days expire. Even 2fu had a song I could smile when I heard...at least until Frank mutilated it with 90 layers of harmonies and a fucking chorus idea that he destroyed. Oh well.

I'm not perfect. I guess I can't expect life to be either.

Someday I'll be able to look at these last 2 years and wonder what I was thinking. But until then, I can only wonder why I have turned into who I am. My smoking habit has worsened, often with me turning to it daily now to calm me down. Does it even work? I don't even know. All I do know is that I want to be happy again. Bring back the freshman days...days without hatred, hostility, self centered bitches, friendship ruining relationships, G-Unit, or any of this bullshit that bothers me more and more on a daily basis.

I suppose all I can do is prevent myself from getting worse. I can't relapse back to february. Hopefully things will be good again. They aren't necesarrily bad now. But they aren't good. Oh well. I'll be back again tomorrow. Thanks for helping.

Day 6703

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 17:12:06 GMT

Hello and yet again, more apologies.

Work was horribly slow in that it was really busy but time wouldn't move. Sat around after at Craig's...was supposed to meet the guys at 5:30 at the airport, but they never woke me up...damnit. It's a shame I'm a heavy sleeper. Oh well. Now I'm here. What else is there to talk about?

Well, I've come to the conclusion that I don't use my journal for the reason I should: clearing my mind of my stressful thoughts and pains and pleasures. Instead I use it to propagana myself off to anybody willing to read. I think that this will probably be my last entry where I just go off and write as if I am talking to someone. So, if that is the case, I'm sorry that I no longer will personalize messages to people as a whole. I think a journal is what I need to start clearing my thoughts...

Thanks for reading...
Jonathan

Day 6701

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 04:50:56 GMT

Hello and sincere apologies for the lack of updates. Thank you all for the comments though, it's nice to know people still read.

Anyways, my days have been terribly busy. Sleepovers, not sleeping, sitting around and frustrations. Oh well. There's been soo much that...well, I don't remember any of it. So yeah...sorry, but this update is pointless.

Until next time...
Jonathan